Muffled Laughter

Robbie Burns' Ode to a Haggis:

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great Chieftan o' the Puddin-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang 's my arm.

The groaning trencher there ye fill,
Your hurdles like a distant hill,
Your pin wad help to mend a mill
In time o' need,
While thro' your pores the dews distil
Like amber bead.

His knife see Rustic-labour dight,
An' cut you up Wi' ready slight,
Trenching your gushing entrails bright
Like onie ditch;
And then, 0 what a glorious sight,
Warm-reekin, rich!

Then, horn for horn they stretch an' strive,
Deil tak the hindmost, on they drive,
Till a' their weel-swall'd kytes belyve
Are bent like drums;
Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive,
Bethankit hums.

Is there that owre his French ragout,
Or olio that wad staw a sow,
Or fricassee wad mak her spew
Wi' perfect sconner,
Looks down wi' sneering, scornfu' view
On sic a dinner?

Poor devil! See him owre his trash,
As feckless as a wither'd rash,
His spindle shank a guid whip-lash,
His nieve a nit;
Thro' bluidy flood or field to dash,
O how unfit!

But mark the Rustic, haggis-fed,
The trembling earth resounds his tread,
Clap in his walie neive a blade,
He'll mak it whissle;
An' legs, an' arms, an' heads will sned,
Like taps o' thrissle.

Ye Pow'rs wha mak mankind your care,
And dish them out their bill o' fare,
Auld Scotland wants ane skinking ware
That jaups in luggies;
But, if ye wish her gratefu' pray'r,
Gie her a Haggis!

* * *
T H E R E C I P E

1 sheep's lung (illegal in the U.S.; may be omitted if not available)
1 sheep's stomach
1 sheep heart
1 sheep liver
1/2 lb fresh suet (kidney leaf fat is preferred)
3/4 cup oatmeal (the ground type, NOT the Quaker Oats type!)
3 onions, finely chopped
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
1/2 teaspoon cayenne
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
3/4 cup stock

1. Wash lungs and stomach well, rub with salt and rinse. Remove membranes and excess fat. Soak in cold salted water for several hours. Turn stomach inside out for stuffing.

2. Cover heart and liver with cold water. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, cover and simmer for 30 minutes. Chop heart and coarsely grate liver. Toast oatmeal in a skillet on top of the stove, stirring frequently, until golden. Combine all ingredients and mix well. Loosely pack mixture into stomach, about two-thirds full. Remember, oatmeal expands in cooking.

3. Press any air out of stomach and truss securely. Put into boiling water to cover. Simmer for 3 hours, uncovered, adding more water as needed to maintain water level. Prick stomach several times with a sharp needle when it begins to swell; this keeps the bag from bursting. Place on a hot platter, removing trussing strings. Serve with a spoon. Ceremoniously served with "neeps, tatties and nips" -- mashed turnips, mashed potatoes, nips of whiskey.

Chocolate Pie

I made this experimentally on Thursday night, for Open House--Another reason you should drop in!

Melt one tablespoon of butter over low heat on the stove. Then add 1 1/2 cups melting chocolate, of dark and milk chocolate varieties, stirring constantly. Once the chocolate has melted, mix in 1 can of sweetened condensed milk and then 2 egg yolks. Add one teaspoon of pepperment extract and stir until even.
In a seperate container, whip the whites from two eggs until fluffy and firm, mixing with 1/4 cup of icing sugar. Fold into the chocolate mixture.
If you wish, add cookie chunks, nuts, or skor bits.
Pour into two prepared pie shells. Leaving them uncovered, place them in a 350 degree oven for 15-25 minutes, or until filling appears cooked.
Remove from oven and sprinkle with icing sugar and chocolate graham wafer crumbs, or another desired garnish. Let cool slightly and then serve.
Mmmmm...this was a success.

Fast Food

1. Samosas

1 lb. Phyllo dough (thaw in box on counter 5 hours)
-lay them out on the counter, place a drying cloth on top, then place a damp drying cloth on top of the first one. Phyllo will dry out in about a minute so keep it covered.

1/2 lb. potatoes (6-8), boiled, 1/2 hr; mashed.

1 Tablespoon oil
1 teaspoon mustard seeds
-stirfry these two until the seeds pop (watch they don't pop into your eye!)
3 cloves garlic, minced
-add to the stirfry

Mix:
1 onion, chopped
1/4 cup cilantro, chopped
1 jalapeno, chopped
2 Teaspoons curry powder
2 Teaspoons lemon juice
1 1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup frozen peas
-add to these the mustard seeds
-add the potatotes and mix.

To make the samosas:
-Brush one phyllo sheet with butter.
-Place a second sheet on top and brush it with butter.
-Cut the length of the sheets into 5 columns.
-Place a bit of the filling into the bottom corner of one column.
-To fold: take the corner of the column (the one with filling, and fold it diagonally to make a triangle. Continue to fold up making triangles (or, like folding a flag for the patriots among us). Brush with butter when finished.

To freeze: place in freezer (duh!), then cook for 20 min. at 375.
To cook from fresh: cook for 15 min. at 375.

* * *

2. Falafel:

1 1/4 cup dried chick peas, soak 24 hours with a splash of apple cider vinegar
-blend in a food processor that is more expensive than $30, otherwise, pass it all through a garlic press (think of it as an askesis!)

Then process or stir in:
1/2 cup onion, chopped
1/4 cup packed chopped parsley
2 garlic cloves, chopped
2 teaspoon cumin
1 1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon coriander (seeds or ground)
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon ground red pepper

Stir in:
2 Tablespoons flour

-form into 3" patties
-let stand 15 min.
-Pour 1/2 " oil into skillet (or just use a deep fryer)
-Fry patties 4 min. each side.

If you want to make tahini (which is subjectively delicious because it's ethnic, but objectively gross!), consider yourself warned, then, humbly, mix:
1/4 cup tahini
1/4 cup cold water
1 Tablespoon lemon juice
pinch salt

Put the falafel, tahini, chopped lettuce and sliced tomato into a pita.